Fugitives from Fundamentalism

The Musings of Adult Missionary Kids (MKs) & Former Born-Again Believers

Author Archive

Cognitive Dissonance: the Blinders of Hypocrisy #1–King David

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on November 26, 2014

Hugh Hefner has nothing on King David, yet this king was a man “after [God’s] own heart.” Does that make God a horny and kinky deity? Discuss.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

The Racist Roots of Evangelicalism

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on June 1, 2014

jonesracistletterGreat article from Politico about the formation and motivating factors for the inception of the Religious Right. If you want to understand why your missionary parents believe what they do about abortion and state rights, you owe it to yourself to read this. Their ideas were intentionally constructed and spoon fed to them. Anytime an evangelical starts talking about abortion, remind them that evangelicals used to support it: The Real Origins of the Religious Right

Posted in Evangelical bigots | 1 Comment »

Hot as Heaven

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on May 10, 2014

Saw this on Facebook:

hot as heaven

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

The Six Categories of Non-Believers

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on July 19, 2013

Found this interesting article, on CNN today, about some researchers who have categorized atheists into six different types: Behold the 6 Type of Atheists. I am a 1, 2, and 4 atheist, apparently. What type are you?

Posted in Science | 2 Comments »

Adieu

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on January 4, 2012

Hi everyone,

I wanted to write all of you to share some final thoughts about my secular life, my connection to the world of evangelical Christianity, and to explain why I will soon be leaving my role of co-adminstrator and contributor to this blog.  The epistolary form thus seems most appropriate; consider this a goodbye letter.

Let me start with the beginning of the journey that brought me to the creation of this blog. When I was suspended from a Christian college for missing too many early-morning, weekday chapel services  (and after having already completed 2 1/2 years of my education), I made a pretty clean break with my Christian beliefs. It took a few more years to get to my Devil’s Heart Experiment, but for the most part I had little contact with church-going Christians and thought about religion very rarely. This period was followed by the completion of my undergraduate and graduate degrees at a secular state university–again, I was only occasionally immersed in a Christianity-drenched setting.

However, that all changed with the emergence of the MySpace social-media application. One day, as I was browsing, I discovered a MySpace discussion forum devoted entirely to the Baptist, Missionary-Kid boarding school I had attended for three years in high school. The site consisted mostly of ICAers who were about a decade younger than me, but there were also quite a few people from my generation. My first contribution to the forum addressed an ongoing discussion about abortion. I wrote an even-handed and calm analysis of the arguments used to justify the pro-life and pro-choice positions. As the discussions went on over the next several months, I began to waste more and more time each night after work (or even at work) writing these endless rebuttals, explanations and defenses of my views on a whole slew of issues. Those writing marathons became increasingly fueled by bottles of wine and growing frustration, as my posts became more and more incredulous and aggressive. I was actually naive enough to think that providing a full deconstruction of Christian arguments and evidence would show MKs like me they’ve been living their lives based on falsehoods about the nature of reality. Crazy, right? I didn’t realize, at that time, most Christians don’t care about the evidence, or how meaning gets constructed through rhetoric and argument. It’s obvious to me now; I should have remembered that faith (belief without any evidence) is considered a virtue in their belief system–it has to be to perpetuate the belief in the make believe. Eventually, I went on a drunken rant where I insulted the intelligence of the folks I’d been debating, and I left the discussion group for my mental health.

I started this blog when I left that MySpace group. At the time, I discovered I was good at discussing and writing about Christian beliefs from an ex-Christian viewpoint, and it just seemed natural to continue what I had started. As it turns out, this is not a life-long mission for me. Rather, it is a process, and it is not an endless one. I’ve reached a point now where I have nothing new to say, as I feel like everything there is to say about the falsity of Christianity has been said. I needed to write about it to reason it out for myself and to test my arguments for leaks and holes. It’s been fun, but now I want to transition back to that time in my life when there wasn’t so much negativity (i.e. Christian ideas) floating around in my head. I want to be able, once again, to see a news headline related to Christians and to think, “Who gives a fuck?” Even debunking Christianity is a form of immersing yourself in it, and I want to wash that religion right out of my hair. Fortunately, I’m mostly bald, so I don’t anticipate any problems.

My plan within the next few days is to transfer all 119 of my posts to one of the other administrators on this site, so they will continue to exist. I’d like to especially thank Ann and Paulo for working on this blog with me from the very beginning and for writing such great posts and comments. Thanks as well to Jerry, prb3, dsc01, Noraa and Jester for acting as contributors and for writing such thoughtful comments and posts. Finally, thanks to you lurkers out there (JN!) who also made significant contributions to our discussions through your comments.

Best,

Clamence/The Chaplain

Posted in Big Things, Reflections & Memories | 9 Comments »

Goodbye to Christopher Hitchens, the Mighty Warrior for Reason

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on December 16, 2011

Farewell, but no adieu to Christopher Hitchens, writer of God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything. Thank you for fighting the good fight against the ignorance and hypocrisy of the powerful.

Here is a quote from Hitchens I found in one of the articles on the web that commemorates his life: “Faith is the surrender of the mind; it’s the surrender of reason, it’s the surrender of the only thing that makes us different from other mammals […] It’s our need to believe, and to surrender our skepticism and our reason, our yearning to discard that and put all our trust or faith in someone or something, that is the sinister thing to me. Of all the supposed virtues, faith must be the most overrated.”

Posted in Tributes | 2 Comments »

Obama Bait: Catch Those Heathens Any Old Time

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on September 1, 2011

At a gas station yesterday I found this $1,000,000 bill. Someone had placed it against the Exxon mini-billboard ad over the gas pump I was using:
The front side of this gospel tract disguised as a bill features a pretty good shot of Obama that doesn’t appear to be caricaturing him. This leads me to conclude Obama is being used as bait to attract unsuspecting liberals. The creators of this tract know how much liberals love Obama and free money from the government! Those sinful Obamabots are sure to pick up this bill, only to find their hearts convicted by the message of God disguised in fine print.

For instance, on both the upper left and lower right, next to Obama’s devilishly handsome, anti-Christ-like grin, the question “Do you believe?” is hidden in the bill’s serial number. Also check out the signature by someone who heads the “Department of Eternal Affairs.” The seal on right reads: You Shall Not Steal.

The reverse side of the bill presents an interesting narrative almost as irresistible as the pull of Obama’s smiling face and the prospect of getting a free handout from the government at the expense of other hardworking, God-fearing Americans. And I’m not kidding about the fear. This tract was made by Custom Tract Source, and the opening lines of text on their website homepage read:

Welcome to Custom Tract Source!

Most Christians don’t realize that every second two people die…

That’s 160,000 people every single day walking into eternity forever: Heaven or Hell. Does that thought concern you?

But back to the narrative on the reverse side of the Obama-bait bill. You can try reading the text off the image of the bill above, or you can read my transcription of it below (along with my first-thing-that-popped-in-my-head mental annotations in brackets)

The world is changing and crisis grips the nations: economic uncertainty, wars, the threat of terrorism…where can we find hope in these uncertain times?

[This must be a political flyer.]

As distressing as it seems, there is a crisis even more urgent: the fact that death awaits us all.

[Wow, you must be great fun at parties, “Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Julie.”

“Nice to meet you too. I’m David, and your doom awaits!”]

When we die, we will all stand before the Judge of the Universe. How will you do?

[Um, what?]

Ever lied, stolen, or looked with lust? Ever taken God’s name in vain or failed to put Him first? If you have broken even one of these laws, God sees you as a lawbreaker.

[Holy. Fucking. Shit.]

Picture yourself in a courtroom guilty of many serious crimes.

[I think I missed something. Is there a parking or speeding ticket involved? Is this a felony we’re talking about, here?]

The Judge’s sentence is: A million dollar fine, or life in prison.

[I gonna have to go with the fine.]

You are unable to pay the fine,

[Shit!]

so the guard begins to lead you away.

[Now where to? Anther courtroom? More judges?]

Suddenly, someone you don’t even know steps in and pays your fine in full. That means you are free to go!

[Yay! For a minute, I thought this message was a bit pessimistic, but clearly I was wrong.]

That is what Jesus did for you 2000 years ago. He took your punishment upon himself by taking God’s wrath on the cross. Then he rose from the grave, defeating death.

[Wait. So this guy was drawn and quartered…sorry, I mean crucified…and he survived? And he lay in a coma, or something, for a whole three days? And why is God so pissed at me?]

Repent (turn from sin) and put your trust in Jesus Christ to save you.


[What are these “sins” you’re talking about? Those laws about lying, stealing and lust? Aside from lying and lusting, I leave the other one pretty much alone, and I try not to overuse the others too much.]

God will grant you eternal life.

[How’s that work, exactly? Coz I don’t remember seeing any eternal, vampire-like Christian creatures roaming around the city. You’d think there’d be millions of them accumulated over the past 2,000 years.]

Don’t wait until tomorrow…You may not have another day. Please visit www.TheGoodTest.net

[I’ll head right over…let me just get my cellphone out…]

[I’m supposed to be asking a different question? Your question does intrigue me though, because it’s got to be difficult to come up with some kind of objective measuring system to judge the quality of my goodness. I was gonna fill my car up with gas right now, but suddenly I realize that’s a complete waste of time when compared to the questions I could be asking myself about the possibility of finding a cure for human death and entry to an eternal realm of everlasting life!]

[Oh, I CAN objectively measure my goodness? Okay, let’s do this!]

[Hatred for your parents, siblings, friends and even your own life? Your worldview sounds hardcore! Is it at all based on Sun Tzu’s The Art of War?]

[So the concept of a kind, loving god is idolatry? Let me think: guilty or innocent…I think I’ll click on innocent, since I didn’t know God was so angry and hardcore until you told me just a second ago. God couldn’t be mad at me if I didn’t know, right?]

[I guess I say “Oh my God!” a few times a day, but that could be any god. I never say “Jesus Christ!” so I should be good. God gave me everything precious, like family and my life? Aren’t those the same things I was supposed to hate a few slides ago? Using Hitler’s name in vain? As in, “Holy fucking Hitler!”? That doesn’t roll off the tongue too well–that might explain it. Since I’m only a user of a generic “Oh my God!” I’ll go ahead and click on innocent.]

[I relax all weekend long. Two days! Innocent!]

[Honor, as in chivalry? Or do you mean normal arguments people have with their folks in adolescence? I thought it would be ok. I didn’t know it meant I was guilty of a crime. I’ll click on guilty for this one…]

[Man, it is SO easy to sin! So hating someone is murder? I thought murder meant killing someone? There are so many truths I’ve been so ignorant of my whole life! Thank you for sharing these truths with me! And to think I found these truths at the gas station. I feel convicted…yes, I have murdered a whole lot of people–already several today.]

[What about wet dreams? Are those okay? What if I throw away my pajamas and burn the sheets?]

[I always thought the title of “thief” was reserved for folks like Robin Hood. I did steal candy once as a kid, but I chalked it up to my just being a kid who was learning society’s social rules. Lord, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you’d get so pissed!]

[My mom made a horrible casserole last week, and I told her it was good. How can I tell her the truth while also honoring her? Please Lord, teach me the complexity of your laws!
That murderer thing is still connected to hatred, right? It’s crazy how doing something once brands you with a permanent title. That makes me a dishonorable, murdering, thieving, lying adulterer! Oh my God! Oh no, and a blasphemer! A lake of fire? What the hell is that?! Lord, please save me!]

[But what if I see another Christian, like the creators of this tract and website, who have learned the secrets to successfully obey God’s laws? Would it be okay to covet their lifestyle? Could I covet Jesus’ lifestyle? Maybe this law only applies to coveting sinful stuff? I’m so confused. Maybe you have some more slide series like this one, but with more information on them?]

[Well, yeah, NOW I can see that I haven’t been measuring up. Frankly, though, the finer points of what is or isn’t a sin, and the equivalency between hatred and murder…that stuff isn’t exactly apparent without these great slides to point it out. I hope it’s still not too late for me to join your club…]

[Um, no. I had NO IDEA I was doing anything wrong. I mentioned that casserole thing–it really did seem to be a gray area, morally speaking. I did know that murder was bad before, but you got me with the hatred=murder thing. I definitely didn’t know that. Why do you ask, is it bad I didn’t know this stuff before?]

[I also had no idea God was so pissed! Is this where that lake of fire you mentioned comes into play?]

[No, no, I don’t think He’s good. I picked that part up when you mentioned how pissed He gets and the lake of fire. Someone with that kind of a violent temper is definitely not good.
No, that wouldn’t be a good judge, but I just want to add that I’ve never raped anyone. It seems like there might be some confusion on your part, when it comes to that.]

[I don’t follow. Was the judge offered a bribe? The terms “overly forgiving,” “too lenient,” or “incompetent” might apply better.]

[Lake of fire, right?]

[Oh, God loves me? I thought He was pissed? I got an invitation? Do I have to do something to get the invite? I thought it was taken care of, because Jesus was going to step in and pay the fine?]

[Ah, great, so it IS all taken care of! You got me all worked up about this hatred=murder thing, the lust, etc., and come to find out Jesus already settled everything. You really should make this stuff clear earlier in the slides to avoid scaring people.]

[And now I DO have to do something? Make up your mind!]

[I once did this with a parachute at Vacation Bible School when I was a kid:
It makes a lot more sense now. Ok, so creating my prayer after reading Psalm 51 and believing in Jesus isn’t enough, and I need to also put Him on like a parachute too. Got it. This free bail money is looking more and more difficult to get, but nothing in life is free so it makes sense. What’s next? I am ready to learn the secrets.]

[It’s true that I do still have a lot of questions, but I agree with you that I sure don’t want to fall out of the door of death, grasping for a missing parachute: all because of my petty need to have my questions answered.
It’s not magic, yet I’ll be transformed? (Forget about the questions, forget about the questions, grab the parachute, grab the parachute…) ]

[Ok, I’d better check out Hell real quick…]

[I get it: if Hitler got no punishment other than extinction, without eternal damnation and burning in the fiery pits of hell, then that would be pretty unfair. That must mean that a scary, burning hell, where worms never die must exist. It’s so obvious! Sinners are so blind to the truth!]

[I don’t want anything to do with that everlasting shame and that blackness of darkness, and the teeth and fire thing. Creepy. I’ve not a fan of the concept of eternal anything, but since I have to choose, I’m going to have to go with exhibit A: the Jesus paying the ransom thing, if you strap on His parachute and stop having wet dreams.
Let us pray:
Dear Lord,
Thank you for loving me enough to make these people feel lead to not get real jobs, but to get jobs creating the Obama-bait gospel tract and website to change my positive attitude of myself–from kind, giving, helpful, hardworking–and to convict my heart by revealing my true murdering, hating, lying, lusting, abased and abhorrent, sinful heart.]

Posted in Humor | 18 Comments »

Evangelical Hate & Politics

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on July 9, 2011

“Hide it under a bushel. No! I’m going to let it shine,” goes the well-known gospel children’s song. Election season is well on its way, and this is the time when Evangelical politicians try to hide their light of hatred back under that bushel. Unfortunately for Michele Bachmann, she and her husband Marcus Bachmann (with his PhD in psychology from a mail-order university) have been letting that light shine so bright and for so long, that finding enough bushels to cover their bigotry is going to wipe out the entire gardening sections at Home Depots everywhere.

For my first example, here is an article from Mother Jones, Michele Bachmann’s Head-Banging, Gay-Bashing BFF. Remember how the FoxNews Channel tried to hang the preacher Jeremiah Wright around the neck of President Obama? Bradlee Dean is Michele Bachmann’s Jeremiah Wright. The only difference is that Michele Bachmann has been taped praying that Dean’s ministry would grow (and spread like a cancer, I presume). At the top of this article on the Huffington Post, you can see video of Bradlee Dean’s vile hate-spewing in action and hear Bachmann’s prayer for his success, Bradlee Dean Rants: Michele Bachmann-Linked Preacher’s Bigoted Tirades.

For my second example, here is an article on The Nation’s website about Marcus Bachmann’s counseling center, Bachmann & Associates: “‘God Has Created You for Heterosexuality’: Clinics Owned by Michele Bachmann’s Husband Practice Ex-Gay Therapy.” Once you read the descriptions of what goes on in this counseling center’s therapy sessions, it becomes very clear that this is not counseling at all. (Ann can back me up on this.) Counseling is a field started by the American psychologist Carl Rogers, who started a humanistic approach to therapy emphasizing empathetic, non-judgmental listening. This is the complete opposite of what occurs in Bachmann’s clinic, and it’s not surprising considering that Marcus Bachmann got his PhD in Clinical Psychology from Union Institute & University. The Wikipedia entry on this mail-order university reports:

the Union Institute’s Ph.D. program came under scrutiny by the Ohio Board of Regents in the late 1990s early 2000s, which scrutiny culminated in its 2002 Reauthorization Report. The report was critical of the Union Institute’s Ph.D. program, noting in particular that ” … expectations for student scholarship at the doctoral level were not as rigorous as is common for doctoral work … ” (OBR 2002 Reauthorization Report, page 13) The Union was put on probation. Later, the Union Graduate School was dissolved and the Ph.D. program was restructured.

Spread the word and the links folks! Don’t let Evangelicals get away with claiming their dogma and political views are good and pure. They aren’t. They’re hateful, and that’s why they try to downplay how strongly they hold to those controversial bigoted views or deny their connections to other believers who are more outspoken about their intolerant beliefs.

Posted in Evangelical bigots, Politics, Religion in the News | Leave a Comment »

Atheist Film “The Ledge” Nominated for Best Drama at the 2011 Sundance Film Festival

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on July 8, 2011

I found the following news article on CNN’s website: “New Atheist Movie “The Ledge” Evangelizes Godlessness. The film director is an atheist (the great-great grandson of Darwin himself), and this film portrays atheism in a positive light in an attempt to counter Christian prejudice and bigotry towards atheists. The movie has some well-known stars, such as Liv Tyler and Terrence Howard. Read the article and take a look at the trailer; it looks very promising.

Posted in Films | Leave a Comment »

Charlotte’s Elevation Church & Their Disability-Free Worship

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on June 19, 2011

In keeping with the conservative, right-wing tendency to make use of Orwellian doublethink in naming institutions or organizations (e.g. compassionate conservatism), the founders and leaders of a modern, warehouse-style church here in Charlotte, North Carolina named their church Elevation. When I first started seeing Elevation stickers stuck to SUVs all over Charlotte, their name alone gave me a precise picture of the style of church they are. Having grown up in the evangelical Christian culture, the word elevation connotes to me that rush of elation constructed by the merging of music crafted to elicit strong human emotions and the use of lyrics that feature heavy repetition (chant-like phrases that repeat things like “Oh Lord!” and “Jesus!”), till a trance-like state of sinner-wallowing is achieved by the congregation. I imagined they would have a large projector screen (it turns out they have several), a live rock band to play modern worship music that sounds suspiciously like the worst of popular soft rock, country and alternative radio music, and a congregation full of people who like to “feel” their God through a near-orgasmic experience of arm waving, closed eyes, open mouths, and other signs typically connected to sexual arousal. In other words, they like to chastely fuck Jesus in a crowd of several hundred other mystical Christ lovers. Here is a taste of what their worship services are like:

Although the name Elevation does a good job of communicating the format of the service you’ll encounter, it turns out it is also an indicator that they are capable of little else besides rousing, musical love-making to Christ. See, these folks like to “rock out” to Jesus, but they don’t like what they term “distractions.” And just what are these “distractions” that will get you removed from the fellowship of worshiping brothers and sisters in Christ? Well, worshiping while having cerebral palsy is a no-no. That’s right, these Christ-like folks at Elevation Church removed a boy with cerebral palsy for becoming a distraction when he said “Amen!” Here is the printed story, as told by the local Charlotte news, Special Needs Boy Removed from Church Service (click on the video link on the left-hand side to see the news report).

Really it goes without saying, but being a Christian doesn’t make you any more empathetic than anyone else. In fact, as I have argued on numerous occasions on this blog, being a Christian typically has the opposite effect: it makes you think you know absolute Truth and are an authority to declare what is universally good or evil. Regardless of what various passages in the NT say about reserving judgment, knowing Absolute Truth means you can’t help but judge people and behaviors based on criteria that are eternal and holy. Also, the Christian faith teaches that suffering exists due to sin, so it is inevitable that believers will connect human suffering (in the form of disabilities, disease, etc.) with sin. This boy with cerebral palsy thus becomes connected to the concept of sin in a Christian’s mind, and who wants to be reminded of evil on the holy ground of a worship service?

What I found most interesting about this scandal is the church’s defensive reaction to this news story. You’d think that people used to asking for forgiveness from God wouldn’t have a problem asking the mother of this boy to forgive them. Wrong! Instead, church spokespeople told the local news they “focus on worship, not ministries,” and they issued a press release saying, among other things, “It is our goal at Elevation Church to offer a distraction-free environment for all our guests.” Yes, this church is totally free from the “distraction” of humans with disabilities. How nice. Their lack of a focus on ministries is the clue to unlocking their missing empathy towards others different from themselves. On the “About Elevation Outreach” page of their website (which you have to get to by clicking on a tiny little “outreach” link at the bottom of the main page — the location of the link and size of the font is a hint to their lack of interest in community service) the church includes a paltry excuse for why their church doesn’t care about human suffering in the community:

Many churches have people who are passionate about feeding the hungry in their city, and they feel the need to start a food pantry. So they do. The youth group adopts a neighborhood, the seniors read to kids at school, the women’s ministry serves food at Thanksgiving, the men start a remodeling ministry and on and on it goes. All of these things are wonderful, but there is a problem: spreading out the leaders, resources and manpower results in maximized exertion but minimized impact.

At Elevation, we have decided to flip this model of church outreach on its head. Rather than spread everything out, we’re focusing! We concentrate all of our efforts on strategic outreach partners who are already having tremendous impact in our city and across the world. Currently, Elevation is partnering with 26 different organizations. Our goal is to continue to reach out through partnerships that are making a difference in our community and beyond.

Note how they list all of the good things other churches are doing as if it’s not that helpful to the community. They dismiss those things with the phrase “these things are wonderful, but there is a problem.” This is followed by the unsubstantiated claim that this community service work leads to: “spreading out the leaders, resources and manpower” resulting in “maximized exertion but minimized impact.” Essentially, this statement claims that the way community service work is being done by churches today is seriously flawed. Their solution to a problem they claim exists without evidence? Well, “Rather than spread everything out, we’re focusing!” they claim, by forming “partnerships” with 26 community service organizations. I looked at the list of organizations they are “partnered” with, one of which I work with (Urban Ministry Center), and I can tell you that this whole page of their website is smoke and mirrors. They want to give you the impression that they actually work closely in conjunction with these organizations and provide them with funds. However, note how careful they are to avoid saying precisely what role they play in these partnerships.

Let me explain what the reality of these partnerships is. When I worked on a grant for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, I had to obtain numerous letters of partnership from various local groups, such as colleges, non-profits, individuals with expertise related to the grant’s focus, etc. In order to obtain a letter of partnership, I would simply say to an organization, “I am applying for a U.S. government grant, and your organization has expertise we need. We’re not looking for any involved obligation from you or your organization, we are just looking for a letter from you stating that you support our efforts and will be available to answer questions or give advice should we feel like calling you up to get it.” My guess, based on Elevation’s blanket dismissal of other churches’ community service work, and their deliberate lack of information about the extent of their involvement in the 26 organizations they list, is that they called up these organizations and said the following: “We are a large church with four locations in the Charlotte area, and we have thousands of congregants we can point towards your organizations. We’d like permission to list you as partners on our website, and we’ll be sure to tell our congregants to go to you, if they’re looking for a place to volunteer for or give funds to.” Based on their webpage, there is no reason to believe their link to these groups go any deeper than that. My overall point is this: all the clues you need to recognize the self-centered nature of this “church” is right there on their website. Since they are all about getting their self-centered Jesus fix for the week, it’s not surprising they would immediately remove any “distraction” that might keep them from focusing intensely on themselves.

(Thanks to Stephanie at Stuff Christian Culture Likes for bringing this story to my attention.)

Posted in Morality/Ethics, Religion in the News, Video | 6 Comments »

The Difference Between the Apocalypse-Predicting Nuts at Family Radio and Regular Christians

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on May 24, 2011

Posted in Cartoons, Humor | 4 Comments »

Irreligious Song #17: Aesop Rock, “Holy Smokes”

Posted by Clamence/The Chaplain on April 24, 2011

Here is a song by another underground hip-hop artist, Aesop Rock.

Aesop Rock – “Holy Smokes”

(Man 1: Give him one of these pills if he has any pain.)
(Woman 1: A parable….
Woman 2: What is it?
Woman 1: Well, it’s a little story with a lot of truth in it
An earthly story with a heavenly meaning.
Jesus told many parables to grown-ups and children alike.
He told them simply and sincerely, in words everyone could understand.
So that all might learn the lesson he was trying to teach…)
(Yeah!)

Well they were selfish with the helmets on the little bus
‘Till brake fluid sewage crippled up the get-retarted nickel punks
slowly cope but swore his lowly robot foley folk
would one day rise in sections to interrogate the Holy Ghost
(I knew it!)

Holy smokes!
Father. Black suit, white collar.
Kiddie porn dungeon, guns, and three fingers for your daughters
caught belly-up. Antique Nazi paraphernalia.
You can not pay you bills with holy water and Hail Mary luck. (Oh my!)
Shucks, fucker. Enjoy the Alcatraz shower fun.
And mommy’s mad; I’m cliché generation X Agnostic front.
It ain’t the nifty faith in 1958 before the New-New Testament approved altar-boy fistic rape.
And take me to your leader ‘long as he don’t manipulate toddler-beaver. (Leave him alone!)
Call me crazy but I’d bet that wasn’t God’s demeanor.

Sod-o-meter peaking. (Me too!)
But Long Island was Jesus every weekend spoon-fed to appease traditional upbringing
of a Middle Pennsylvania shit-hole where elders movement
stressed the stellar therapeutic Bible cycle. (How?)
One church with a bait and tackle store next door and not much more.
So the two moved to New York, made babies raised on what they’d saw.
Christmas morning smelled fresher than angel pussy.
But immaculate conception came second to playful goodies.
Like laser-tag was way more spiritual than blood and body wafer bags
and manger staff as long as Santa ate the cookies (Well…)

Grandma was a saint while he’d paint with snakes and bullies
Said “If only you’d memorized your prayers like you did your Kool-Gs”!
By the time I was old enough to know what religion was
I was Catholicism-numb and truly didn’t give a … FUCK!
94′: Moved out the crib and it ain’t seen a steeple since
While Knievel-Evil seeps in a Christian leader’s pitch
till priest’s lap slapped with parental advisory warnings:
“I’ll be auditioning Gods in my office on Monday morning”.

(Yeah!)
(Yeah!)
Uh-oh! And yet another pill slipped
down the hatch It patch him through the kill-switch
(Yeah!)
(Yeah!)
I need a couple As for Qs
I’m not an asshole I’m just a little confused

(Woman 1: This story reminds us of the one Jesus told about people who were kind and helpful to others.
He said that one day the king would say to these people
“Come, inherit the kingdom prepared for you
For when I was hungry you gave me food
I was sick and you visited me.
I was in prison and you came to me.”
But the people asked
“Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you?
Or sick or in prison and come to you?”
And the king answered
“In as much as you have done it unto one of the least of these, my brethren,
you have done it unto me.”)
(Yeah!)

Just a little bruised in the back of the pews
acting amused with a mask on them Vatican blues
for in the eyes of the organization I was raised in
Aes’ is just another sinning brick in Hell’s basement.
Cubicle adjacent to the killers and rapists.
For what? Drugs and fucking is part of growing up.
Like cups offa dumb shit’s better than the schools!
I’m not an asshole I’m just a little confused.

Just a lit fuse in the back of the pews
watching a thousand flavors of the same God feud.
I figure ultimate-peace is the common theme.
So it’s a no-brainer-peace when the blood hit the screen.
Got a basic good and evil sensibility born
Good neighbor know a halo wouldn’t fit over horns.
I’m more science than faith, I’m more karma than bread and booze.
I’m not an asshole I’m just a little confused.
Not an asshole I’m just a little confused.
Not an asshole I’m just a little confused.
Not an asshole I’m just a little confused.

(Man 2: You know what, to be completely honest, Aesop, you’re a fucking asshole.)

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