Fugitives from Fundamentalism

The Musings of Adult Missionary Kids (MKs) & Former Born-Again Believers

Facebook Pharisees

“And whenever you pray, don’t be like the hypocrites who love to stand in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they will be seen by people. I tell you with certainty, they have their full reward!” Matt. 6:5

Many Christians on Facebook love to use their status updates to post verses, calls for prayer, or details about their personal “journey” with their imaginary friend Jesus. A lot of them border on the sad, ridiculous, or laugh-out-loud funny. Here is a selection of what the contributors see on a day-to-day basis:

All Scripture is inspired by God…

Heavenly Father, I pray to you tonight…

Why do I feel like I'm in church?

Don’t trust yourself…

Your feelings don't matter.

Your eternal joy at stake…

Umm, maybe your kids and family are more worthy?

Abusing “awesome”…

Yeah, you're right: nothing else needs to be said.

Calling all true Christians…

If you don't press Like, you're not a true Christian.

The spiritual battle is everywhere…

Jesus doesn't give a fuck about your car.

Don’t worry, be happy…

Translation: "It just dawned on me that if I stop worrying about things that I can't control, I start to feel a whole lot better about my life." Duh!

Put the fear of God in them…

Making your kids believe that there is an invisible man up in the sky and in your brain who will punish you if you're bad is even more effective than telling them they won't get a present from Santa.

You’re not doing it right…

If your prayers aren't being answered, it's because you're not being earnest or humble enough.

Happy Easter! (You’re going to burn in Hell.)
“Happy Easter Friends. If you don’t Jesus as your Personal Savior, there’s no guarantee of life tomorrow. But you can choose Him as your Lord and Savior today–as your guarantee of life, everlasting.”

To all my non-Christian friends: Happy Easter and Eternal Death!
“Happy Easter! So grateful that the death-ending power which raised Jesus from the tomb is the same power to end the eternal death I would face without Him.”

Lord, why am I surrounded by angelic basketball players?
“I had a dream last night, there were 3 very tall men standing around me. I kept trying to talk to them, and finally I looked up and asked one of them how tall they were? I told them they had to have been at least 8 or 9 f…t tall, this morning I asked the Lord who they were, and I realized that they are my angels..”

Be still…but jacked up!!!
“is thinking…God is Awesome! He is so gentle in how He reminds us of who He is and what He is all about, if we would only just listen to His clear voice! I love Him for that!!! He has so much in store for you and me….let’s not settle for less!! Be still and know that He is God!! Truly……BE STILL!!!”

Brainwashing is cute in babytalk…
“is pleased that my 2 year old knows we have Easter because Jesus is “awive.”. H:e is risen indeed! Happy Easter!”

A real mechanic would have fixed it 6 months ago, although sitting in his lap…
“I’ve come to realize that God is even a better machanic than man!! My ignition switch works again!! Praise God!! It hasn’t worked in 8 or 9 months I’ve had to use a starter button.. Thank you Jesus!! You are so good to me!! I love you!! You are so wonderful!! Praise you!! Huggs and Kisses to my Heavenly Father!! Can’t …wait to sit in your lap in Heaven!!”

Stuff my Christian family posts…

Holy Kissing: “Ok, just to clear up any misunderstanding– I am no relation of Gene Simmons, but I do love the KISS of God!”

The sweet smell of death: “The cross will make you beautiful–sweet smelling. As we draw near to the place of sacrifice and adore the One who gave it all away to save the world–this is what releases the scent of myrrh upon us. Others will recognize that you have been with Him. The smell of myrrh is upon you when you lay down your life for others.”

32 Responses to “Facebook Pharisees”

  1. Robert said

    Wow! That fear of God one is borderline emotional abuse IMO. It is so sick that someone said that it was “precious.” Religious belief really does make you think and act like a crazy person, doesn’t it?

    • Paulo said

      I remember, as a kid, thinking that God could read my thoughts. It was very disturbing.

      • Ann said

        I think that’s what’s known as being a religious believer. If you believe God is an omniscient being, then of course He can read your thoughts. I used to try and not think when I was thinking something sinful. Put up a wall in my mind (I was a kid trying to escape!). Reading books helped me a lot. Read hundreds of books as a child. Escaping a belief system like that meant I got my mind to myself. Now that’s freedom! Don’t read so much now. lol.

  2. dsc01 said

    Check out the comment on the post attributing the destruction of the poster’s car to Satan:”the devil is a lier.”

    Now, idiotic spelling error aside, exactly what lies is (s)he perceiving in the devil’s alleged hit and run?

    • JN said

      Is it a spelling mistake? My first reaction is that it is, but “lier” is a real word. It’d make more sense in this case if the devil was a lier in the sense that he was lying around waiting to ambush him. Still…

  3. dsc01 said

    I just had to share this gem:

  4. dsc01 said

    A friend of mine & ex-ICA-er (who may one day want to join us here; he’s leaning very heavily towards atheism) shared a hilarious wall post from another ex-ICA-er who is not one of my friends:

    “After a morning filled with intense spiritual warfare we are standing up and taking the boys to get their first real Christmas tree! In your face, Satan.”

    I bet that Satan is so pissed off that they were able to overcome his active attempts to thwart their purchasing of a relic from European pagan religions.

  5. JN said

    Surely this has to be a joke. If it isn’t, it should be. I can almost imagine Satan sitting in front of the fireplace pulling pine needles from his rectum.

  6. JN said

    Maybe Facebook should add a ‘Praying’ button. Or maybe we need to unveil a new social networking site for everyone to post their favorite verses and urgent prayer requests. We could call it Faithbook. Marketing would be a breeze. We could sell blessings and crosses and bumper stickers. As an added bonus, all the sites users would sound like they’re missing a couple front teeth.

    • dsc01 said

      Unfortunately: http://www.faithbook.com

      It appears to be a lame site about finding people who belong to same faith as you.

      • JN said

        Yeah, it’s no surprise the name is taken, but that looks like one of those dummy (spammer?) sites that links to other stuff.

        Faithbook Ad:
        Desperately seeking SWF to rear children (Psalms 127:3-5) & tend to the home (Prov 31:13). Must have childlike faith and a servant’s heart (Prov 31:17,19). Fertility testing preferred(Psalms 127:3-5). Cooking skills a plus (Prov 31:15). Ambition not required (Colossians 3:18).

        • dsc01 said

          While I am impressed by the application of scripture to a personal ad, I think some of the passages’ import was not fully explored.

          For example, while the author focuses on the description of the good wife as an eager worker in Proverbs 31:13, he misses that she is also to be skilled in selecting wool and flax. That’s a good thing, ’cause I’d be lost trying to differentiate between wools of various qualities (I should be okay with flax, unless, as I suspect, it doesn’t mean the seeds in healthy breakfast cereals).

          And Prov 31:19 seems to have been totally neglected: “In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.” Aw, yeah! I know a B.C. euphemism when I see one!

          “Sorry, honey! If you don’t handle my distaff right this instant, I’m gonna have to report you to the village elders! I don’t like it any more than you do, but God says you’d better get those fingers working on my spindle, post-haste!”

          • JN said

            Or from the Douay-Rheims Bible:
            “She hath put out her hand to strong things, and her fingers have taken hold of the spindle.”

            Powerful stuff. I think this should be your life verse.

            • dsc01 said

              I can’t believe I wasted it on “Jesus wept!” Wait–are you allowed to change it? Or is it like your MySpace URL?

              Or is it like eternal salvation, where no one can agree but at least one person out there thinks I’m still going to heaven, despite my deliberate misconstruing of a Bible verse, above, to suggest that God says that a good wife must give me handjobs or die? It’s grace, bitch!

              On the other hand, my profane account of my favorite Bible story (Genesis 34) has probably earned me indisputable damnation many times over.

              • JN said

                Hmm…good question. Like a Myspace URL, I think you can change your life verse if you renounce your faith and start over.

                I’m pretty sure you’re safe from damnation after all that repentance we did as children. Who would have thought that Song of Solomon would have such a profound effect on our salvation? There were few other books we read with such fervor.

              • Jesus said

                Robot Dcs01, you think too much. God doesn’t think half as much as you do, and believers should ideally think even less. Get on board before it’s too late, you blasphemous piece of shit.

  7. Noraa said

    just read this and it reminded me of this thread………Religion is exactly like your genitals. It’s perfectly fine to have one, it’s perfectly fine to be damn proud of it, but do NOT share it with others or wave it about in public unless specifically asked to.

  8. dsc01 said

    WTF & a half, brought to you by the same dude I dissed in, “Definite Fideism!”:

    “Dear Jesus, if everyday is Christmas, then all I want today s Your compass heading to guide me, Your strength to get me there, and your company along the way. Amen.”

    What. The. Fuck.

    • Jesus said

      That’s just another way of him echoing what the lady said a few posts back, “God put your glory all over my face.” Take away the guy’s Christmas presents and see how much he likes getting an invisible compass everyday.

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