Facebook Pharisees

“And whenever you pray, don’t be like the hypocrites who love to stand in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they will be seen by people. I tell you with certainty, they have their full reward!” Matt. 6:5

Many Christians on Facebook love to use their status updates to post verses, calls for prayer, or details about their personal “journey” with their imaginary friend Jesus. A lot of them border on the sad, ridiculous, or laugh-out-loud funny. Here is a selection of what the contributors see on a day-to-day basis:

All Scripture is inspired by God…

Heavenly Father, I pray to you tonight… Why do I feel like I'm in church?

Don’t trust yourself… Your feelings don't matter.

Your eternal joy at stake… Umm, maybe your kids and family are more worthy?

Abusing “awesome”… Yeah, you're right: nothing else needs to be said.

Calling all true Christians… If you don't press Like, you're not a true Christian.

The spiritual battle is everywhere… Jesus doesn't give a fuck about your car.

Don’t worry, be happy… Translation: "It just dawned on me that if I stop worrying about things that I can't control, I start to feel a whole lot better about my life." Duh!

Put the fear of God in them… Making your kids believe that there is an invisible man up in the sky and in your brain who will punish you if you're bad is even more effective than telling them they won't get a present from Santa.

You’re not doing it right… If your prayers aren't being answered, it's because you're not being earnest or humble enough.

Happy Easter! (You’re going to burn in Hell.)
“Happy Easter Friends. If you don’t Jesus as your Personal Savior, there’s no guarantee of life tomorrow. But you can choose Him as your Lord and Savior today–as your guarantee of life, everlasting.”

To all my non-Christian friends: Happy Easter and Eternal Death!
“Happy Easter! So grateful that the death-ending power which raised Jesus from the tomb is the same power to end the eternal death I would face without Him.”

Lord, why am I surrounded by angelic basketball players?
“I had a dream last night, there were 3 very tall men standing around me. I kept trying to talk to them, and finally I looked up and asked one of them how tall they were? I told them they had to have been at least 8 or 9 f…t tall, this morning I asked the Lord who they were, and I realized that they are my angels..”

Be still…but jacked up!!!
“is thinking…God is Awesome! He is so gentle in how He reminds us of who He is and what He is all about, if we would only just listen to His clear voice! I love Him for that!!! He has so much in store for you and me….let’s not settle for less!! Be still and know that He is God!! Truly……BE STILL!!!”

Brainwashing is cute in babytalk…
“is pleased that my 2 year old knows we have Easter because Jesus is “awive.”. H:e is risen indeed! Happy Easter!”

A real mechanic would have fixed it 6 months ago, although sitting in his lap…
“I’ve come to realize that God is even a better machanic than man!! My ignition switch works again!! Praise God!! It hasn’t worked in 8 or 9 months I’ve had to use a starter button.. Thank you Jesus!! You are so good to me!! I love you!! You are so wonderful!! Praise you!! Huggs and Kisses to my Heavenly Father!! Can’t …wait to sit in your lap in Heaven!!”

Stuff my Christian family posts…

Holy Kissing: “Ok, just to clear up any misunderstanding– I am no relation of Gene Simmons, but I do love the KISS of God!”

The sweet smell of death: “The cross will make you beautiful–sweet smelling. As we draw near to the place of sacrifice and adore the One who gave it all away to save the world–this is what releases the scent of myrrh upon us. Others will recognize that you have been with Him. The smell of myrrh is upon you when you lay down your life for others.”