At a gas station yesterday I found this $1,000,000 bill. Someone had placed it against the Exxon mini-billboard ad over the gas pump I was using:
The front side of this gospel tract disguised as a bill features a pretty good shot of Obama that doesn’t appear to be caricaturing him. This leads me to conclude Obama is being used as bait to attract unsuspecting liberals. The creators of this tract know how much liberals love Obama and free money from the government! Those sinful Obamabots are sure to pick up this bill, only to find their hearts convicted by the message of God disguised in fine print.
For instance, on both the upper left and lower right, next to Obama’s devilishly handsome, anti-Christ-like grin, the question “Do you believe?” is hidden in the bill’s serial number. Also check out the signature by someone who heads the “Department of Eternal Affairs.” The seal on right reads: You Shall Not Steal.
The reverse side of the bill presents an interesting narrative almost as irresistible as the pull of Obama’s smiling face and the prospect of getting a free handout from the government at the expense of other hardworking, God-fearing Americans. And I’m not kidding about the fear. This tract was made by Custom Tract Source, and the opening lines of text on their website homepage read:
But back to the narrative on the reverse side of the Obama-bait bill. You can try reading the text off the image of the bill above, or you can read my transcription of it below (along with my first-thing-that-popped-in-my-head mental annotations in brackets)
The world is changing and crisis grips the nations: economic uncertainty, wars, the threat of terrorism…where can we find hope in these uncertain times?
[This must be a political flyer.]
As distressing as it seems, there is a crisis even more urgent: the fact that death awaits us all.
[Wow, you must be great fun at parties, “Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Julie.”
“Nice to meet you too. I’m David, and your doom awaits!”]
When we die, we will all stand before the Judge of the Universe. How will you do?
Ever lied, stolen, or looked with lust? Ever taken God’s name in vain or failed to put Him first? If you have broken even one of these laws, God sees you as a lawbreaker.
[Holy. Fucking. Shit.]
Picture yourself in a courtroom guilty of many serious crimes.
[I think I missed something. Is there a parking or speeding ticket involved? Is this a felony we’re talking about, here?]
The Judge’s sentence is: A million dollar fine, or life in prison.
[I gonna have to go with the fine.]
You are unable to pay the fine,
so the guard begins to lead you away.
[Now where to? Anther courtroom? More judges?]
Suddenly, someone you don’t even know steps in and pays your fine in full. That means you are free to go!
[Yay! For a minute, I thought this message was a bit pessimistic, but clearly I was wrong.]
That is what Jesus did for you 2000 years ago. He took your punishment upon himself by taking God’s wrath on the cross. Then he rose from the grave, defeating death.
[Wait. So this guy was drawn and quartered…sorry, I mean crucified…and he survived? And he lay in a coma, or something, for a whole three days? And why is God so pissed at me?]
Repent (turn from sin) and put your trust in Jesus Christ to save you.
[What are these “sins” you’re talking about? Those laws about lying, stealing and lust? Aside from lying and lusting, I leave the other one pretty much alone, and I try not to overuse the others too much.]
God will grant you eternal life.
[How’s that work, exactly? Coz I don’t remember seeing any eternal, vampire-like Christian creatures roaming around the city. You’d think there’d be millions of them accumulated over the past 2,000 years.]
Don’t wait until tomorrow…You may not have another day. Please visit www.TheGoodTest.net
[I’ll head right over…let me just get my cellphone out…]
[I’m supposed to be asking a different question? Your question does intrigue me though, because it’s got to be difficult to come up with some kind of objective measuring system to judge the quality of my goodness. I was gonna fill my car up with gas right now, but suddenly I realize that’s a complete waste of time when compared to the questions I could be asking myself about the possibility of finding a cure for human death and entry to an eternal realm of everlasting life!]
[Oh, I CAN objectively measure my goodness? Okay, let’s do this!]
[Hatred for your parents, siblings, friends and even your own life? Your worldview sounds hardcore! Is it at all based on Sun Tzu’s The Art of War?]
[So the concept of a kind, loving god is idolatry? Let me think: guilty or innocent…I think I’ll click on innocent, since I didn’t know God was so angry and hardcore until you told me just a second ago. God couldn’t be mad at me if I didn’t know, right?]
[I guess I say “Oh my God!” a few times a day, but that could be any god. I never say “Jesus Christ!” so I should be good. God gave me everything precious, like family and my life? Aren’t those the same things I was supposed to hate a few slides ago? Using Hitler’s name in vain? As in, “Holy fucking Hitler!”? That doesn’t roll off the tongue too well–that might explain it. Since I’m only a user of a generic “Oh my God!” I’ll go ahead and click on innocent.]
[I relax all weekend long. Two days! Innocent!]
[Honor, as in chivalry? Or do you mean normal arguments people have with their folks in adolescence? I thought it would be ok. I didn’t know it meant I was guilty of a crime. I’ll click on guilty for this one…]
[Man, it is SO easy to sin! So hating someone is murder? I thought murder meant killing someone? There are so many truths I’ve been so ignorant of my whole life! Thank you for sharing these truths with me! And to think I found these truths at the gas station. I feel convicted…yes, I have murdered a whole lot of people–already several today.]
[What about wet dreams? Are those okay? What if I throw away my pajamas and burn the sheets?]
[I always thought the title of “thief” was reserved for folks like Robin Hood. I did steal candy once as a kid, but I chalked it up to my just being a kid who was learning society’s social rules. Lord, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you’d get so pissed!]
[My mom made a horrible casserole last week, and I told her it was good. How can I tell her the truth while also honoring her? Please Lord, teach me the complexity of your laws!
That murderer thing is still connected to hatred, right? It’s crazy how doing something once brands you with a permanent title. That makes me a dishonorable, murdering, thieving, lying adulterer! Oh my God! Oh no, and a blasphemer! A lake of fire? What the hell is that?! Lord, please save me!]
[But what if I see another Christian, like the creators of this tract and website, who have learned the secrets to successfully obey God’s laws? Would it be okay to covet their lifestyle? Could I covet Jesus’ lifestyle? Maybe this law only applies to coveting sinful stuff? I’m so confused. Maybe you have some more slide series like this one, but with more information on them?]
[Well, yeah, NOW I can see that I haven’t been measuring up. Frankly, though, the finer points of what is or isn’t a sin, and the equivalency between hatred and murder…that stuff isn’t exactly apparent without these great slides to point it out. I hope it’s still not too late for me to join your club…]
[Um, no. I had NO IDEA I was doing anything wrong. I mentioned that casserole thing–it really did seem to be a gray area, morally speaking. I did know that murder was bad before, but you got me with the hatred=murder thing. I definitely didn’t know that. Why do you ask, is it bad I didn’t know this stuff before?]
[I also had no idea God was so pissed! Is this where that lake of fire you mentioned comes into play?]
[No, no, I don’t think He’s good. I picked that part up when you mentioned how pissed He gets and the lake of fire. Someone with that kind of a violent temper is definitely not good.
No, that wouldn’t be a good judge, but I just want to add that I’ve never raped anyone. It seems like there might be some confusion on your part, when it comes to that.]
[I don’t follow. Was the judge offered a bribe? The terms “overly forgiving,” “too lenient,” or “incompetent” might apply better.]
[Lake of fire, right?]
[Oh, God loves me? I thought He was pissed? I got an invitation? Do I have to do something to get the invite? I thought it was taken care of, because Jesus was going to step in and pay the fine?]
[Ah, great, so it IS all taken care of! You got me all worked up about this hatred=murder thing, the lust, etc., and come to find out Jesus already settled everything. You really should make this stuff clear earlier in the slides to avoid scaring people.]
[And now I DO have to do something? Make up your mind!]
[I once did this with a parachute at Vacation Bible School when I was a kid:
It makes a lot more sense now. Ok, so creating my prayer after reading Psalm 51 and believing in Jesus isn’t enough, and I need to also put Him on like a parachute too. Got it. This free bail money is looking more and more difficult to get, but nothing in life is free so it makes sense. What’s next? I am ready to learn the secrets.]
[It’s true that I do still have a lot of questions, but I agree with you that I sure don’t want to fall out of the door of death, grasping for a missing parachute: all because of my petty need to have my questions answered.
It’s not magic, yet I’ll be transformed? (Forget about the questions, forget about the questions, grab the parachute, grab the parachute…) ]
[Ok, I’d better check out Hell real quick…]
[I get it: if Hitler got no punishment other than extinction, without eternal damnation and burning in the fiery pits of hell, then that would be pretty unfair. That must mean that a scary, burning hell, where worms never die must exist. It’s so obvious! Sinners are so blind to the truth!]
[I don’t want anything to do with that everlasting shame and that blackness of darkness, and the teeth and fire thing. Creepy. I’ve not a fan of the concept of eternal anything, but since I have to choose, I’m going to have to go with exhibit A: the Jesus paying the ransom thing, if you strap on His parachute and stop having wet dreams.
Let us pray:
Thank you for loving me enough to make these people feel lead to not get real jobs, but to get jobs creating the Obama-bait gospel tract and website to change my positive attitude of myself–from kind, giving, helpful, hardworking–and to convict my heart by revealing my true murdering, hating, lying, lusting, abased and abhorrent, sinful heart.]