Bo Burnham’s Rant

This is a comedy video that probably qualifies for inclusion in the irreligious songs series, but I don’t think it should be so classified, and since I’m posting it, I’m not gonna put it in the series. So there. 😛

All the seats at the Sunday masses,
Filled with the mass’s massive asses,
Classes pass as fast as molasses.
Ceremonial reading glasses.
Read a little bit of Leviticus.
All the kids are a little too little for this.
All the parents nod in agreement —
“I think I can vaguely see what he meant.”
It’s too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story,
The father reads a little bit farther,
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
“when god, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy,
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts.
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery…
And then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves…”

In the back, I sit and I nod to the beats that are bumpin from my iPod
My god, they’re starting to pray
And over the music I can hear them say,
“Dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway Yahweh.
The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
I’d like to thank your Holy Might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, I come to you with one request
There’s so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people.
Sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and Soulja Boy.
A world in darkness needs your light, so I’m sure your schedule’s pretty tight
But my dog just had leg surgery if you could fix that first…

Jesus…

Debra Messing’s fingers in a holy place, “Hail Mary full of grace.”

Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dudes who wanna elope
See the pope said, “nope” so the bros can’t cope.
(The bros can grope but the bros can’t cope.)
They’ve been in love, they’ve been addicted
Who said they shouldn’t? Benedict did.
Cause in the holy land of the lord he’s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
Cause you can be a benedict if you’ve been a dick under Benedict but
You can’t have benedicts because there’s only one pope and only one dick
What? a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope cause it’s
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, Christ has risen.
Hallelujah, now it’s raining men,
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
Winos at the eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
Jesus wasn’t the messiah, get back I’m a heretic and I’m on fire
It was Oedipus, and those holy nights
The holy motherfucking Christ.
I’m a blasphemah post-Katrina cruising the marina. on a crusade to cruise AIDS
And blast FEMA
You’re too late, we’re fucked we don’t need ya.

In the name of the father, son and holy ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose.
HEY MACARENA!

Irreligious Song #11: Talking Heads, “Road to Nowhere”

Not being a huge Talking Heads fan (though I do respect their work), I can’t say that this song is necessarily about death being the end. It sure seems like it, though, and I love that the tone of the song is so happy. I hate it when people frame death as such a negative thing. I know that the church-choir-like intro was actually added only because David Byrne thought that the song was embarrassingly simple, but I like to think of it as setting the song up as a secular hymn.

WELL WE KNOW WHERE WE’RE GOIN’
BUT WE DON’T KNOW WHERE WE’VE BEEN
AND WE KNOW WHAT WE’RE KNOWIN’
BUT WE CAN’T SAY WHAT WE’VE SEEN
AND WE’RE NOT LITTLE CHILDREN
AND WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT
AND THE FUTURE IS CERTAIN
GIVE US TIME TO WORK IT OUT

We’re on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin’ that ride to nowhere
We’ll take that ride

I’m feelin’ okay this mornin’
And you know,
We’re on the road to paradise
Here we go, here we go

CHORUS

Maybe you wonder where you are
I don’t care
Here is where time is on our side
Take you there…take you there

We’re on a road to nowhere
We’re on a road to nowhere
We’re on a road to nowhere

There’s a city in my mind
Come along and take that ride
and it’s all right, baby, it’s all right

And it’s very far away
But it’s growing day by day
And it’s all right, baby, it’s all right

They can tell you what to do
But they’ll make a fool of you
And it’s all right, baby, it’s all right

We’re on a road to nowhere

Irreligious Song #9: Tool, “Opiate”

As Noraa pointed out, in a previous entry in this series, Maynard James Keenan writes some lyrics that are deeply offensive to Christians. Years before he explicitly took on the Christian God in A Perfect Circle’s “Judith,” he used his band, Tool, to great irreligious effect.

Now, I could have chosen a number of Tool songs. For example, “Eulogy” contains the lines, “Come down./Get off your fucking cross./We need the fucking space,/to nail the next fool martyr.” “Sober,” their biggest hit, contains the somewhat cryptic, “Jesus, won’t you fucking whistle/something but the past and done?”

But while those songs refer to religion in ways that will offend Christians, “Opiate” is a direct attack on the Christian religion. It’s from the first album, and I think it’s a little rough around the edges, but it’s still decent. The second part of the song is actually a separate song, “The Gaping Lotus Experience.” It’s a facetious “hidden” track, not part of “Opiate” (despite what the creators of the YouTube video and the lyrics transcribers, quoted below, seem to think).

Opiate

Choices always were a problem for you
What you need is someone strong to guide you

Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
What you need is someone strong to guide you…
Like me
Like me
Like me
Like me

If you want to get your soul to heaven
Trust in me, now don’t you judge or question
You are broken now, but faith can heal you
Just do everything i tell you to do

Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
What you need is someone strong to guide you
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
Let me lay my holy hand a, hand upon you

My god’s will
Becomes me
When he speaks
He speaks through me
He has needs
Like i do
We both want
To rape you

Jesus christ, why don’t you come save my life, now
Open my eyes, blind me with your light, now
Jesus christ, why don’t you come save my life, now
Open my eyes, blind me with your lies, now

If you want to get your soul to heaven
Trust in me, now don’t you judge or question
You are broken now, but faith can heal you
Just do everything i tell you to do
Jesus christ, why don’t you come save my life, now
Open my eyes, blind me with your light, now
Jesus christ, why don’t you come save my life, now
Open my eyes, blind me with your lies, now

Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
Let me lay my holy hand a, hand upon you

My god’s will
Becomes me
When he speaks
He speaks through me
He has needs
Like i do
We both want
To rape you!

[long pause]

I had a friend once,
he took some acid,
now he thinks he’s a fire engine

It’s ok,
until he pisses on your lighter,
kinda smells,
kinda cool,
kinda funny anyway

satan.
satan.
satan.
satan.
satan.

I had a friend once,
he took some ecstasy,
tried to marry me,
and everyone in the room.

He was sorta loving,
kinda caring,
kinda tried to fuck my lazy boy.

It got a bit messy,
all over the curtains,
armchair covers,
throw pillows,
and carpeting.

getting bored,
I’m getting bored,
getting bored,
I’m getting bored,
getting bored,
I’m getting bored,
getting bored,
I’m getting bored!

Irreligious Song #7: Gogol Bordello, “Super Theory of Super Everything”

In contrast to the last song I posted, let me lighten the mood a little with one of my favorite bands of the last few years. These guys define their music as “gypsy punk” and the band consists of an eclectic group of musicians from all over Europe, Africa, Asia, and both North and South America. I’ve seen them a couple of times live and have to admit it’s one of the funnest I’ve ever been to. Nonstop insanity from start to finish.

So back to the song, first of all his accent and poor grammar make it amusing within itself, but his lyrics always have depth to them.

First time I had read the Bible
It had stroke me as unwitty
I think it may started rumor
That the Lord ain’t got no humor

Put me inside SSC
Let’s test superstring theory
Oh yoi yoi accelerate the protons
stir it twice and then just add me, ’cause

I don’t read the Bible
I don’t trust disciple
Even if they’re made of marble
Or Canal Street bling

From the maelstrom of the knowledge
Into the labyrinth of doubt
Frozed underground ocean
melting – nuking on my mind

Yes give me Everything Theory
Without Nazi uniformity
My brothers are protons
My sisters are neurons
Stir it twice, it’s instant family!

I don’t read the Bible
I don’t trust disciple
Even if they’re made of marble
Or Canal Street bling

My brothers are protons
My sisters are neurons
Stir it twice dlja prekrastnih dam…

Do you have sex maniacs
Or schizophrenics
Or astrophysicists in your family
Was my grandma anti anti
Was my grandpa bounty bounty
Hek-o-hek-o-hej-o
They ask me in embassy!

‘Cause I don’t read the Bible
I don’t trust disciple
Even if they’re made of marble
Or Canal Street bling

And my grandma she was anti!
And my grandpa he was bounty!
And stir it twice
And then just add me!
Partypartypartypartypartyparty
now afterparty..

Irreligious Song #6: A Perfect Circle, “Judith”

So “Bob” has opened the doors to the “Irreligious Song” series of blogs, so I’ll kick off my authorship on here with one or two songs that immediately came to mind when I saw the first one he posted.

I’ve always loved Mayanard James Keenan’s lyrics (better known as vocalist for the band Tool). There’s something in them I’ve always connected with in every project he’s been a part of. He has a certain well-thought out, beautifully phrased way of getting his point across. He definitely didn’t make many people in the Christian world happy with much of his lyrics with Tool (i.e. “Sober”), but “Judith” is one of the most blatantly irreverent songs he wrote. Surprisingly enough, after a bit of expected editing, it got a lot of airplay and was one of the songs that pushed them into the mainstream.

Supposedly, the song is a response to his mother’s death from a long bout with cancer. There’s actually a song on Tool’s last album, “10,000 days” (which is a reference to the amount of time his mother suffered), that takes an almost opposite stance on her death. I just love the attitude of this one and thought it would fit in nicely.

Anyway, being my first time to post on here, I’m not sure I’ll get this link right but here it is……..

You’re such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you how your savior has abandoned you

Fuck your god
Your lord, your Christ
He did this
Took all you had and
Left you this way
Still you pray, never stray, never
Taste of the fruit
Never thought to question why

It’s not like you killed someone
It’s not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you
He did it all for you

Oh so many ways for me to show you how your dogma has abandoned you

Pray
To your Christ, to your god
Never taste of the fruit
Never stray, never break, never
Choke on a lie
Even though he’s the one who
Did this to you
Never thought to question why

It’s not like you killed someone
It’s not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ as if He knows the reasons why
He did it all for you
He did it all for you
Did it all for you